Abel and I went for a walk downtown today. I noticed a man striding next to us, in his mid-twenties, smoking.  It is pretty common here in PDX.  I always have to maneuver to get away.  This gentleman, however, saw Abel and immediately dropped down to his knee and put his full cigarette out.  (he put it Out!)

In a charming Australian accent, said "Sorry for smoking in front of your little one."

I forgave him with a smile, "It happens a lot downtown." (it does.) 

He gave a serious nod and said, " Well that doesn't mean it should." 

Then with a tip of his hat, he was gone.


(literally,  . . . he tipped his hat.)

I am beaten at the end of everyday.
Try to keep hope for Abel,
try to be a good wife,
try to be a good mom,
try to be a good friend,
try to keep money in the bank,
try to get Abel the best help,
try to find justice for our family,
try to protect other babies,
try to forgive myself,
try to learn to trust again,
try to believe in our future,
try to keep the house clean,
try to prepare healthy foods,
try to be patient,
try to understand when Abel gets frustrated and flings a whole bowl of food into my face,
try to lose weight,
try to get some sleep,
try to forgive my neighbors for waking Abel up EVERY DAY 15 minutes into his nap. EVERY DAY!
try to believe in our country,
try to believe in the human race,
try to save the environment,
try to form a non-profit,
try to fill out the impossible 501c3 forms,
try to advocate for safer birth,
try to do fundraisers,
try to stop trying so much.

What was I doing the first 30 years of my life?  Why wasn't I training for this???  I feel so under qualified and unworthy to face this battle.

The last couple weeks, as I take a deep weary breathe and try again, Morgan Freeman's face has been popping into my head. 
"GET UP.  Move Faster." 
Today it made me laugh when I remembered what it was from,  anyone else remember?


Robin Hood:Prince of Thieves.  haha  I have not seen that movie in 20 years!
Maybe life has been trying to train me. 
Maybe I am still training now. 
Maybe Abel does not need to have a perfect mom. 
Maybe he needs to see his mom Keep Getting Back Up and learning to Move Faster.

Complete with Christian Slater.  Epic 1990s style.
hahaha

I marvel everyday at how green, creative and new everything is here. Abel and I soak it in while we walk all over the city.  I did not realize how parched and dry that part of me was.  I feel a little more inspired, a little more at home, a little more at peace as the days go by.

Abel loves to talk to people that cross our path.  They laugh and smile or stop and chat.  Two people on the train said that they would pray for him.  One at mass and one at mosque.  It reminded me of the old woman that came to our yardsale who said she would remember him in her morning prayers.  She was wearing beautiful indian jewlery and she had wisdom in her eyes from a hard life well lived.  I knew she would remember Abel just like I still remember her now.   It is comforting to me to imagine all the little beams of faith shining up for Abel.  Faith that is bigger than the hard, judgemental religion I have been surrounded by. Just people expressing their infinite hope in life in the way that spoke to them. 

So everyday I muse and grow and heal.  This is a place for me to remember and share what life showed me as I walked.

Yesterday, Abel and I stopped at a Museum's Kids Day while exploring the city with new friends. The older kids were coloring and playing with gadgets. Abel was excitedly doing his little jig-skip-step that we both think is so funny. A woman working there was watching and asked me how old Abel was.  I happily replied "a year and a half!" while I struggled to help him stand up and not drop my purse.   The woman followed me another step and paused.  Than she blurted out, "He has Downs Syndrome?"
   
There are a hundred things that I should have said . . . "No." was the only one that I could get out.  I was so proud of Abel for trying to push the fog horn just like the big kids, for making the old man on the train laugh, for pointing at all the things I was talking to him about as we walked to meet our friends.  She stole all those little victories from me.  I did not see this one coming.   I cling to Abel's personality and cognitive development like a life raft.  To have someone attack that part of him-that miraculously unique, amazing, brilliant, part of him- was a low blow.  The month before, it was at a coffee shop.  The lady in line behind us stared at Abel for a while and than asked if he was a preemie.  Startled, I said "no." and turned away. Unconvinced she started to point out why she asked and all I could do was just walk away.

I try to be prepared for people to ask why he doesn't walk, why he cannot sit up, why his head is always tilted . . .  I see people look at him, trying to place what is different.  Several times a day someone or another says "Oh my goodness! He looks tired!!" I know they mean well but it still stings. What am I suppose to say?  So, I agree and walk away.  I can't say, "no, he is not tired.  He was injured at his birth and that caused brain damage that has affected his ability to control his muscles and left him with a lifelong disability.  Thank you, we were having such a good time that I had almost forgotten about that horrific event."  No, I don't say that because it would be rude . . .

People are drawn to Abel.  I hope they always will be. I like to think it is not only because of a disability but that they too see that he has a strong and beautiful spirit. I want to use these moments to educate others and prevent them from causing someone else additional pain.  For now, all I can manage to do is walk away.  I hope I can learn to be a better example for Abel. In the meantime, please remember that when you are pointing out the lack in others, it is pointing out the lack in you.